The Reason I Started The Empty Seat Project
In my office, I have three chairs. Unlike the traditional therapist’s couch, I intentionally chose separate chairs to create a different kind of relational dynamic. This setup allows clients to physically turn toward one another, fostering direct engagement and dialogue. In couples therapy, the arrangement serves a subtle but powerful purpose: it redirects attention away from me as the therapist and toward the partners themselves. By encouraging them to face each other, the chairs help reduce the tendency to rely on the therapist as a mediator or buffer, promoting authentic communication and reducing patterns of triangulation. This physical orientation mirrors the emotional work of therapy, guiding clients to take responsibility for expressing their feelings, listening deeply, and connecting with one another in a safe and structured space.
However, when it came to individual therapy, the third seat became a symbol of an uncomfortable truth about the populations I serve. Over the years, most of my clients have been women. As we explored their relationships, my thoughts often drifted to the person in the other seat, their partner. I witnessed the deep longing my clients felt for their partners’ presence, for insight or validation that was absent. Occasionally, inviting the partner into a session provided profound clarity, allowing me to hold space for both individuals, even when only one was present. These moments, however, were rare. Often, the partner would shut down, not just refusing therapy, but resisting any notion of participation, leaving a critical piece of the relational puzzle missing.
As a therapist trained in systems, this left me navigating a paradox. Individual therapy seeks to foster vulnerability and openness, but the risk is ever-present: if a client shares deeply with someone unready to hear them, I could inadvertently create more trauma. With both partners present, safety and pacing are clearer. With the empty seat, I rely on intuition, moving slowly, cautiously, until I can gauge whether the client’s vulnerability will be met with acceptance or rejection. The empty seat reminds me of the struggle. Helping someone navigate relationship issues alone is like rowing with one oar. We move, but often in circles.
More often than not, the empty seat is occupied by a man. Men seek help far less frequently than women, yet still contend with profound anxiety, depression, and relational pain. Participation in therapy among men has risen slightly, but a significant gap remains. The Empty Seat Project exists to bridge this gap. My goal is to provide resources on growth, connection, parenting, and mental health, grounded in evidence from research, books, and continuing education. I aim to explore the barriers preventing men from seeking help and challenge the growing narrative that therapy is primarily designed to serve women.
In a culture increasingly shaped by influencers promoting a narrow, stifling vision of masculinity, this project seeks to create a community grounded in empathy, evidence, and authentic connection. I want to hear your story, your struggles, your perception of therapy. You are not alone. While I cannot serve as a personal therapist through this platform, I can advocate for your experience, share insights, and work to help therapy evolve to meet men where they are.
(If at any point you feel unsafe or in crisis, please reach out to 988. I am one person, and I am not equipped to provide crisis management for followers or subscribers.)
