Setting Boundaries with DBT: How DEAR MAN, FAST, and GIVE Help Us Protect Ourselves While Staying Connected

Healthy boundaries are not walls we build around ourselves but pathways that allow relationships to thrive without sacrificing our wellbeing. For many people, setting a boundary can feel frightening because it requires honesty, clarity, and a willingness to tolerate discomfort. Dialectical Behavior Therapy offers a framework that makes this process more accessible. Through the skills DEAR MAN, FAST, and GIVE, individuals can learn to communicate boundaries in ways that are grounded, confident, and compassionate.

Boundaries begin with the understanding that we are allowed to name what we need. Without this internal permission, communication becomes reactive or apologetic. DBT teaches that interpersonal effectiveness is not about controlling another person but about expressing ourselves with steadiness and self respect. When we approach a boundary from this perspective, it becomes less of a confrontation and more of an act of alignment. These skills help us speak from this place of clarity.

DEAR MAN is the heart of the communication process. It guides us through the steps of expressing a boundary in language that is direct without being aggressive. First, we describe the situation as objectively as possible. We state what we notice, without accusation or interpretation. Then, we express how it affects us. We allow our emotions and needs to be spoken in a way that is steady and honest. We assert the boundary itself, naming what we are asking for. Finally, we reinforce the request. We explain how the boundary benefits the relationship or creates safety and understanding for both people. The final steps of DEAR MAN remind us to stay mindful of our goal, to appear confident even if we feel anxious, and to negotiate if needed. This structure helps turn a difficult conversation into one that is clear and workable.

FAST supports the internal stance required to maintain a boundary. When people struggle with setting limits, it is often because they fear disappointing others or being seen as selfish. FAST teaches that self respect is the foundation of healthy relationships. We stay fair toward the other person while remaining anchored in our own needs. We avoid apologizing for having feelings or boundaries. We hold true to our values instead of bending ourselves to prevent conflict. This skill protects the integrity of the boundary. It ensures that we do not dilute or abandon it when pressure arises.

GIVE is essential for preserving emotional connection during difficult conversations. Boundaries do not need to be sharp or cold. They can be delivered with gentleness and presence. GIVE encourages us to be genuine, to show interest in the other person’s experience, to validate their feelings, and to communicate with ease in our voice and body language. This skill reminds us that compassion and firmness can coexist. A boundary spoken with empathy is far more likely to be received without defensiveness.

Together, these three skill sets reveal something profound: the goal of a boundary is not to push someone away but to bring the relationship back into balance. When we avoid setting boundaries, resentment brews. When we set them harshly, connection erodes. DBT offers a third path. With DEAR MAN, we communicate clearly. With FAST, we honor ourselves. With GIVE, we care for the relationship. The boundary becomes an act of truth telling rather than an act of withdrawal.

Setting a boundary is not a single moment but a practice. It requires courage to speak our needs and resilience to maintain them. Yet each time we use these skills, we strengthen our sense of self. We learn that protecting our wellbeing does not harm relationships; it nurtures them. Boundaries allow us to remain connected without losing ourselves. With DBT, we gain the tools to speak honestly, hold steady, and stay compassionate, creating relationships that are both safe and authentic.

DEAR MAN

D Describe the situation

E Express your feelings and needs

A Assert your request clearly

R Reinforce how the boundary benefits the relationship

M Mindful of your goal

A Appear confident

N Negotiate if needed

FAST

F Fair to yourself and the other person

A No apologies for existing or having needs

S Stick to your values

T Truthful without exaggeration or manipulation

GIVE

G Gentle in tone and body language

I Interested in the other person’s perspective

V Validate their feelings and experience

E Easy manner that keeps the conversation grounded and calm